


Wish You Were Here

by ceealaina



Series: Between the Lines [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Schmoop (at the end), Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 17:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13792710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceealaina/pseuds/ceealaina
Summary: After Tony overhears Sam and Steve discussing Bucky’s latest date, Tony's brain starts spiralling.Luckily Bucky's there to help him pick up the pieces.Featuring panic attacks! Hugs! A brief bit of bed sharing! And two clueless idiots who can’t figure out that their unrequited love isn’t so unrequited!





	Wish You Were Here

**Author's Note:**

> Here's what you need to know:
> 
> Tony is in love with Bucky.
> 
> Bucky is in love with Tony. 
> 
> Neither of them knows how the other one feels. 
> 
> Also Tony and Steve sometimes fool around. It's 100% friends with benefits, no romantic feelings, pure stress relief, but Bucky maybe found out about it once and got the wrong idea about what it meant.
> 
> This has a sequel now!

It was the coffee makers fault, really. On his last 72 hour work binge, Tony had taken the one in the penthouse apart to... do something with it. He couldn’t exactly remember what. But it had been the last thing he’d done before crashing - literally - into bed, and he’d promptly forgotten all about and never gotten around to fixing it. 

So Tony was in the communal kitchen, getting coffee and grumbling to himself about mornings. He wasn’t trying to listen in on Steve and Sam’s conversation, but he heard Steve say something about a date and looked over, in case he had to tease him mercilessly or something. 

“And I think it went really well!” Steve concluded enthusiastically, and Sam just blinked at him.  

“A date?” He repeated incredulously.  “He went on a date. Are we talking about the same Bucky here?”

Tony had been all set to join in on the the friendly ribbing, but at the sound of Bucky’s name, his heart plummeted to the pit of his stomach, making it twist and cramp uncomfortably. He somehow maintained his grip on the coffee cup before it went crashing to the floor, alerting them to his presence. They hadn’t seemed to have noticed him yet and he froze by the counter, unable to stop himself from listening in. 

“No, shut up,” Steve protested, laughing. “Even you have to admit he’s doing so much better now. It’s good for him to get out. It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said, not sounding convinced. “I agree friends are good. I’m just surprised he went on a _date_.”

“You didn’t know him back before, Sam. He was a charmer, he loved dating. This is all Bucky, real Bucky, I swear.”

“Yeah, but he’s...” Sam trailed off, waving a hand dismissively. “Never mind. I’m just surprised.” 

“Well, don’t be.” Steve grinned outrageously, looking pleased. “I waited up for him to see how it went, and he didn’t even come home last night. Wandered in around seven this morning in the same clothes he went out in.”

And that was all Tony could take. He set his mug on the counter and made a beeline for the elevators, ignoring the bright smile Steve flashed him in his way by. 

“Hey Tony!”

“Sorry Cap, can’t stop, got a lot to do,” he said all in a rush as he stepped into the elevator. He caught a glimpse of Sam giving him a weird look before the doors closed and he fell back against the steel wall with a gasp, rubbing at his suddenly tight chest. Tony made his way down to the lab, ordering the windows blacked out as he did. He moved over to a workstation, collapsing on a chair and slumping down. 

“Fuck,” he said. His chest hurt and he felt nauseous and that didn’t make him feel any better. He picked up a wrench and launched it across the room, shattering some glass and making DumE whir in alarm. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he shouted. 

“Sir-“ Jarvis started, but Tony shook his head, shoving something else of the desk.

“Not now, Jarvis. Mute,” he added, before Jarvis could try again. 

He knew he wasn’t being entirely fair. Bucky didn’t owe him shit. They were friends, nothing more, and the fact that Tony had been projecting his own feelings onto him, that he had convinced himself he imagined secret looks and lingering touches didn’t actually mean shit. Bucky was allowed, and should be encouraged even, to date whomever the fuck he wanted. If Tony was actually a decent friend, he would have been every bit as excited for him as Steve was. Hell, of the two of them, Tony was the one getting laid on the semi regular. How could he begrudge Bucky a date or two?

It didn’t make him feel any less heartbroken. 

He could admit it to himself, at least, but he was hopelessly in love with Bucky. The man was gorgeous, absolutely, but it was more than that. He loved spending time with him, loved his dry sense of humour, the way he flirted, how he looked when Tony could coax a true smile onto his face (which was pretty much always now). He loved how he’d bring a ball down to play fetch with the bots, how he’d spend hours letting Tony ramble on about his projects and how he seemed genuinely interested to anything Tony had to tell him about. 

He wasn’t sure when or how it had happened, but Bucky had quickly become a fixture in his life. And the thought of losing that, of having to watch Bucky fall for someone else, and slowly drift away like everyone else had Tony spiralling. It was becoming more and more clear to him just how alone he was. He’d made a kind of awkward family with the avengers, and wasn’t going to insult them by thinking they didn’t care, but it wasn’t the same. He had thought... well, he had thought that he and Bucky had a connection, that just maybe there was a glimmer of hope there for something more. But obviously that wasn’t the case, and Tony was just as alone as he’d ever been. 

He kept trying to tell himself that it was fine, that it wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was terrible at relationships, always managed to ruin them no matter how hard he seemed to try, his focus always being pulled in a million different directions, and never enough on someone else. He tried to convince himself that this was better, that this would only have ruined their relationship entirely and this way they would still have their friendship, at least. It didn’t help, because he knew it wasn’t true. As soon as Bucky found someone better, he’d begin pulling away. It wasn’t his fault, it’s what people did, that’s what falling in love did. 

He was too busy criticizing himself to recognize this particular brand of panic until it was too late. “I don’t deserve him anyway,” Tony muttered, speaking aloud in the empty space. “He’s so good, and I’m… Not.” He choked on the sudden sharp pain in his chest, rubbing at his skin as his breath caught in his throat. “Oh god,” he gasped, sending more bits of machinery flying this time as he stumbled over to the sink in the corner. “Oh shit, not again.” 

He started to splash water on his face, got as far as turning on the tap before he had a brief but vivid flashback to his time in Afghanistan, and he dropped to the floor instead, water still running. It had been months since he’d had a panic attack, and even longer since it had been allowed to develop into a full fledged one like this was. He had gotten so much better at recognizing the signs, at calming himself down before it could get out of control, but here he was, clawing at his throat and crawling across the floor, to lean back against the work table again. He couldn’t breathe, on the edge of hyperventilating and he pulled his knees up to his chest, clapping his hands over his ears as he tried to block out his own thoughts.

***

Bucky had been having a shitty day after a shittier night. He couldn’t remember whose idea the date had been. It sure as hell hadn’t been his, but he’d let himself get talked into it anyway. He had no real interest in going, only really had eyes for Tony, but Tony and Steve were doing whatever they were doing, and so he figured he owed it to the other man to try and move past him, to not be so dependent on him, and following him around at all hours.

And who knows, maybe she would turn out to be the girl of his dreams, and they could float off happily ever into the sunset. 

They didn’t. 

The date had been a dud from the start. What’s her name (and yes he’d forgotten already, so sue him) had been lovely, but he’d had more chemistry with the tablecloth. He’d been as charming as possible, and paid for dinner, but he made his excuses early (noticing that she looked a little relieved herself) and then, annoyed with himself, and Steve, and the entire universe, and maybe just a little bit with Tony, he found himself not going home. He wandered around the city bemoaning his life, and Hydra, and the fact that he hadn’t told Tony about his feelings for the man before he’d fallen in with Steve, until finally, exhausted and shivering from the cold, he’d stumbled back to the tower. He’d manage to avoid punching Steve’s stupid grinning face and collapsed into his bed for a couple of hours of unsatisfying sleep. 

And now here he was, and clearly there was something wrong with him because when he woke up with that itchy feeling beneath his skin, his first thought was to go see Tony, because that would make everything better. 

And yeah, it was stupid and unfair to Tony, but that didn’t make it not true. So he’d gone to the doughnut shop Tony coveted around the corner (Tony insisted he didn’t need to bribe him to spend time with him, but Bucky felt better knowing he was eating) and headed for the labs. 

The doors opened automatically for him, and Bucky smiled at that until he noticed the strewn bits of metal and tools everywhere. “Tony??” he yelled, mind immediately going to the worst case scenario before he picked up on the harsh, desperate breathing. 

He dropped the doughnuts on the counter, following the sounds around to the back of the worktable. His heart broke a little at the sight of Tony, pressed up against it, clutching at his chest with tears streaming down his cheeks from his tightly closed eyes. 

“Oh Tony,” he breathed, the words going unheard by the other man. Bucky dropped to a squat beside him, tentatively reaching out a hand to touch Tony’s bare foot. “Tony? Doll? Can you hear me?” 

For whatever reason, that broke through the panic that Tony had worked himself into, and he opened his eyes to see Bucky looking at him, close as he dared to get without making himself appear as a potential threat. He looked upset, face raw with concern, and the expression nearly made Tony vomit. He wanted Bucky so bad, and knowing he could never have him, not like that, made something twist up inside him. 

“Go away, Bucky,” he said, voice flat between gasps of air. 

A flash of hurt crossed his face, but Bucky didn’t move, squeezing Tony’s ankle gently. “Come on, doll, it’s me.” 

The nickname fucking _hurt_ , and Tony lashed out, slamming his fist against the metal cabinet so that the sound echoed around the workshop. “Go away!” he screamed, and it was what he wanted, it _was_ , so there was no reason for Bucky slowly pulling away and getting to his feet to hurt so bad. Because even while shouting at him to leave, Tony hadn’t expected him to actually go, and it was good, he should probably give him space, but even though Tony wanted to be alone, actually being alone left him feeling bereft. He sobbed, burying his face in his knees, half hoping he’d just die here now and it could all be done. 

He thought he was alone in the lab, so he nearly jumped out of skin when a warm hand settled on his shoulder this time. His head shot up, and he blinked when he found Bucky sitting in front of him again, this time holding a glass of water. He set it on the floor between them, nodding down at it. “Come on, doll, just take a sip. It’ll help, I promise.” 

“You left,” Tony said, lost and confused and still feeling like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. Bucky just gave him a fond smile. 

“I went across the room. To get you the water. Which you should drink.” His rubbed his hand featherlight over Tony’s arm. “You can scream all you want, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Probably, Tony thought distantly, the appropriate response to that wasn’t to collapse in a mess of sobs, but that’s exactly what Tony did. He just wanted so much, and Bucky was so kind, and he didn’t deserve any of it. Bucky didn’t seem phased in the slightest though. Keeping a hand on Tony’s arm, he shifted so that he was sitting cross legged beside him. When Tony didn’t withdraw from any of his touches, he slowly shifted to drape an arm over his back, drawing Tony in close to his side. He curled his hand up to comb through his hair.

“Shhh,” he soothed. “You’re okay, darling. You’re safe, I promise. I’m here, and you’re gonna be just fine. I’ve gotcha, Tony. I’m here and you’re not alone.” 

Tony couldn’t seem to make the sobs stop, gasping for breath as he turned to press his face against Bucky’s shoulder. He revelled in the warm skin beneath him, pretending for a minute that he could have this, whenever he wanted. 

Bucky’s hand continued to card through his hair and he kept talking, giving Tony something to focus on. “You’re safe, Tony, I promise. I’m not gonna let anything hurt you. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it’s all gonna be okay. You just gotta breathe for me, sweetheart, can you do that? Just slow, deep breaths, in and out.” Bucky closed his metal hand around Tony’s wrist, drawing his hand up to Bucky’s own chest and placing it against his heartbeat. “Can you feel my heartbeat, sweetheart? Feel me breathing? Just focus on that, Tony. Match your breathing to mine. In and out, sweetheart, in and out.”

Slowly, Tony’s breathing began to calm. His face still buried in Bucky’s shoulder, he let himself focus on the heat of his body, the solid, steady, reassuring beat of his heart and the contact of his hands on Tony. He could feel the panic beginning to recede, leaving him drained and exhausted. He clung to Bucky for as long as he could, until it hurt too much to remember it wasn’t real, and he pulled away from the contact. Bucky didn’t, his hand still stroking gently through Tony’s hair. 

“Hey,” he said softly. 

Tony didn’t answer, leaning away from him a little, without pulling away completely. Distantly he thought he should be embarrassed, but mostly he was just tired, rubbing a hand over his face, which felt stiff with tears. 

Bucky sighed softly. “Have some water,” he said, his other hand gesturing the glass still on the floor. 

Tony couldn’t help the slight quirk of his lips, though it wasn’t a happy smile. He normally didn’t mind Bucky handing him things, but everything was harder midst-panic attack. The fact that Bucky had remembered made his heart clench, but he picked the glass up with a slightly trembling hand, taking a careful sip, and then another one. 

“’s been awhile since you had one like that,” Bucky said conversationally. Tony leaned away from his body and into his hand. “Wanna tell me what set you off?”

Tony didn’t answer for a minute, because no, he really did not want to tell him that. “How was your date?” he asked instead, his voice coming out more bitter than he had intended. It was the closest he could get to the actual truth. 

Bucky was quiet a minute, long enough that Tony was worried he’d figured it out, knew what Tony was really saying. But then he just shrugged. “You heard about that?” he asked, sounding more resigned than anything.

“Overheard,” Tony clarified, voice raw. “Steve and Sam.” 

“Nosy old busybodies,” Bucky grumbled. “No, it was… It was good. Fine.” He wanted to confess, wanted to tell him that he couldn’t even remember what the girl looked like, it had been so underwhelming, that he’d spent the night feeling sorry for himself, with his stupid unrequited love. But Tony was giving him careful looks out of the corner of his eye, and he felt so much guilt about everything, worried so much about everything, and Bucky couldn’t add to that, couldn’t have Tony worrying (even more) about him too. He forced a smile, one of his 40s, aw shucks ma’am i’d never kiss and tell smiles. “Great, even!”

“Oh.” Tony took another sip of water, and did pull away then, moving to stand up. “Good, that’s… good. Good for you, Robocop.” He was saying good too much, he knew that, but he couldn’t seem to come up with other words. He drank more water, grateful for the distraction. “Anyway, um. Thanks for the help and all, but I should probably get back to work.” 

Bucky blinked up at him, because it was normal for him to stay and hang out with Tony while he worked in the lab, that was why he’d come down in the first place, but Tony was looking at him expectantly, like, “… You want me to leave?” 

Tony just shrugged, which was a pretty clear yes, and Bucky nodded, even as he felt dread flare through him. Obviously he’d fucked something up, and he had no idea what. Still, he got to his feet, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, sure, of course. I should…” He trailed off, since any excuse he made would sound flimsy as hell anyway. “Sorry, I’ll get out of your hair.” 

Tony nodded, turning back to the table and mumbling a “see you around.” His hands were braced on the table, tension riddled through his back, and Bucky hesitated before leaving. He moved closer, settling a big hand on Tony’s back. 

“Get some sleep, Tony,” he said quietly. “I know how draining panic attacks can be, and… Just, take care of yourself.”

He lingered a second longer before finally pulling away reluctantly, heading for the door. Tony’s eyes squeezed tightly shut, still facing the metal table. Being around Bucky hurt right now, but having him walk away hurt even more, and he couldn’t do it. 

“Bucky wait,” he called, when Bucky was almost to the door. He heard the footsteps hesitate, but didn’t turn around. “I don’t…” He swallowed when his voice cracked a little. “I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

“Oh, doll…” 

Tony didn’t look up, still braced against the table, but when the warm hand settled on his right shoulder, he turned immediately, head still down. It was practically instinctive for him to wrap his arms around Bucky’s waist, hands dusting against his back, his head settling against his shoulder, forehead pressed to Bucky’s neck. It wasn’t a second before Bucky’s arms were closing around Tony’s back in turn, keeping him pulled in tight. 

Tony sighed into Bucky’s skin, breathing in the scent of him, leather, and cold, and something else he couldn’t quite describe. He could feel the tension seeping out of him as Bucky’s arms settled around him. He felt warm and safe in his hold, the two of them fitting together just right, and he had no idea how he could every give this up, but for now he was going to hold on to it for as long as he could. 

Tony didn’t know how long they were standing there, wrapped up in each other. He was drained after the panic attack, could feel his breathing going slow and even, hot against Bucky’s neck. A strand of hair had fallen from the bun the other man was wearing, tickling Tony’s nose, but he didn’t dare move, not wanting to break the connection between them. He felt Bucky kiss the top of his head, so gentle it almost hurt, and he smiled against his skin. 

He wasn’t even aware of his mind starting to wander, of leaning harder into Bucky as the other man took his weight easily. He wasn’t asleep, exactly, but he wasn’t quite awake either when Bucky shifted his hold on him, nudging him out of the daze he’d drifted into. 

“Hey, come on,” he said quietly, words half spoken against Tony’s temple. “You still with me?”

Tony made a soft noise of protest, clinging tighter to Bucky while he could get away with it. He felt the vibrations of Bucky’s chest against his when the other man laughed softly. 

“Come on,” he said again, moving one hand to stroke gently up Tony’s spine. A pleasant shiver went through Tony at the feeling. “You’re asleep on your feet. Let’s move.”

“Not asleep,” Tony protested, words slurred. He was more exhausted than he’d realized though, and he gave Bucky’s waist one last squeeze before pulling away, blinking as he was met with the bright lights of the lab after being buried against Bucky’s neck. He winced a little, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Sorry.” 

Bucky just shrugged, his lips quirking a little. “Don’t apologize. I’ve been there. One time Steve found me asleep draped over the arm of the couch, feet still on the floor. Didn’t even manage to lie down on the damn thing,” he admitted, full on smiling when that got a soft chuckle out of Tony. “Just figured you might be more comfortable in an actual bed.”

Tony nodded, exhausted now. “Yeah,” he admitted, his voice raw. He scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face. “Probably a good idea.” He glanced around the disaster in the lab, figured he’d deal with the mess later, and headed for the door before promptly tripping over one of the screws he’d thrown around earlier. He went pitching forward and very likely would have ended up knocking himself out on one of the Iron Man suits if not for Bucky’s lightning reflexes, catching him around the waist before he could smash head first into the chest plate.

“Jesus,” Bucky said, hauling him upright and checking him over quickly, face clearing when he saw there was no damage done. “You’re a goddamn menace to yourself, Stark,” he drawled, and Tony was sure he wasn’t imagining the fondness in his voice when he said it. 

“Your face is a menace,” Tony grumbled in response, eyes going wide as he realized what he said. In a rare stroke of luck for Tony though, Bucky wasn’t looking at him, and just chuckled as he looped an arm around Tony’s waist, steering him toward the door. 

“Whatever you say, Tony,” he agreed amiably, and Tony could hear the smirk in his voice. 

“I can walk, you know,” Tony grumbled, even he leaned into Bucky, letting him keep him upright as they shuffled to the elevator. 

“I know,” Bucky soothed, glancing down at him with a grin. 

They ended up in Tony’s bedroom, and he promptly collapsed face first on the mattress, squirming around until his head was mostly on the pillows. “I’ve never been more grateful for being a self-indulgent billionaire,” he told the mattress. “This bed is a gift from the gods. Better, even. Thor’s gifts can be pretty hit or miss.”

Bucky laughed at that, and Tony turned his head to give him a sleepy smile, just in time to catch the jaw-cracking yawn Bucky gave out. 

“Hey, come on.” Tony reached out to grab Bucky’s wrist and missed by about three feet, his arm falling back to the mattress with a thump. He patted his hand on the fabric instead. “Join me. Together we will rule the dark side.” He yawned. “Or sleep, whatever.”

Bucky snorted a little, even as he pulled up a blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him up with it. Tony did absolutely not go warm and fuzzy at that. “I...” He eyed the bed, looking tempted. “You sure?”

Tony shrugged. “I’m pretty sure this bed is big enough for the two of us,” he said, like the bed couldn’t fit the entirety of the Avengers at once, including the Hulk. “And by the sounds of it you didn’t get much sleep last night, so... Come on, Buckaboo. Grandpa needs a nap.”

“Ain’t your grandpa,” Bucky grumbled. 

“Thank god for that,” Tony muttered in reply, and promptly buried his face in the pillow so that Bucky would assume it was just sleepy rambling. Then he squawked when big hands were suddenly shoving him over. “What’re you...” He scrambled around until he could sit up to blink at Bucky. “What are you doing?”

Bucky just shrugged, looking unapologetic (although he didn’t quite meet Tony’s eyes) as he sat on the side of the bed, tugging off his boots. “I gotta sleep on the side closest to the door. Dunno why, it’s just... a thing.” He glanced at him, a little shy. “Sorry Shellhead, them’s the rules. 

Tony just grinned before settling back down on the other side, snatching his blanket back and burrowing into it. “You do you, Terminator,” he mumbled, blinking at Bucky sleepily. 

“Sleep well, Tony,” Bucky breathed, fingers brushing over Tony’s the last thing he was aware of before drifting off. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr


End file.
